ROOTED RENEGADE

I never understood the magnitude of pain that people carry inside until I began to look at those around me, those I was helping come out of sometimes horrific circumstances, some just struggling to free themselves from addiction. I knew from my own life that pain was real, it was even so great at times that I would do whatever I could to mask it from those around me. Some were fooled and some were not so easily fooled. My meager attempts to wear masks was such a futile effort in the end because the person I was hurting the most was myself. No doubt I hurt those around me, some so great in fact it resulted in a heart breaking divorce, loss of self worth, loss of custody of my children, and a separation from my family as a whole. Most importantly a separation from God.

I thought I was good at hiding the pain. A pro of sorts. No one would ever notice that I was a raging alcoholic with a severe substance abuse problem as well. Many suspected but only few knew the true magnitude of what I was doing to myself…those who knew did not try to stop me. They left me to my own demise and rightfully so. After all, hoe can you expect someone as broken as you to help drag you out of the pit of hell?

I would have never have listened to them at the time for they had no clue what healing was about much less how to get on the right path…you know the one that leads to Christ. No they only knew self destruction and down that horrific path I followed and at times led the way.

I never understood the depth of my own pain until I found Christ again. Of course, He wasn’t the one who was lost. It was me. I just discovered how to get back to Him and begin to come out of the mindset that He left me. In all my times of turmoil, abuse, abandonment, neglect, chaos, etc as a child into adulthood…I was the one who left Christ to hang on the cross in vain. I was the one who tried to control my life and ended up making her way to rehab after one tragic mishap after another.

In the end, I found my way. I found that no matter what happens in my life I cannot hide the pain. I cannot allow myself to dwell in the shadows of despair, regret, shame, guilt, and condemnation. I must allow myself to heal, be made whole again, and be washed by the precious blood of Jesus Christ so I can be clean. Whiter than the purest snow. Transformed from something hideous to something beautiful.

They say “if you don’t know better you can’t do better”…knowledge of the redeeming power of Christ will surely make you free! Now you know!

@B3autifullyR3deemed2018