ROOTED RENEGADE

I have come to the realization that pain teaches us many things throughout our lives. Most of embrace the lessons and move on but many of us hold onto the pain like badges of honor, allowing it to affect every aspect of our lives. The latter was me. I held onto the pain, wore it on my sleeve, my face, my heart, and it did affect every part of my life for many years.

People tried to help me find a better way, I tried counseling, coping techniques, going to church, getting baptized when I was younger and in my twenties, but at the time it was all in vain. I just was not ready to let go of the pain. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually bankrupt but too blinded by the events of my life to see what was happening in these areas of my life and where I needed to change.

My pain taught me something as I started going through recovery. It taught me that just because I felt defeated, it didn’t mean I was. Just because my heart was broken, it didn’t mean I could not put it back together. Just because I suffered, did not mean I had to keep suffering.  I could learn to let go of all the things I had stuffed so deep inside of me that had festered into nasty wounds that seeped out of my pores and spilled out into my life.  I didn’t have to keep bleeding on people who didn’t cut me.  And those that did, I could forgive and let go of the pain from it.

My pain taught me how to be stronger.  How to stand on the two feet God gave me and stop relying on everyone else to fix me.  It was not their job to do so and I had to stop expecting them to fix what was broken inside me.  Sure they may have caused some of the damage, but let’s face it, we can only fix ourselves.  I had to have God’s help to do it because operating in my own strength is what led me down the path of destruction in the first place.  His guidance, His strength, His grace, and His mercy is what got me through every hour I spent facing the mirror and working my recovery.  Of course, recovery is still a process that must be done daily.  It does not stop once you graduate a rehab program.  You keep at it so you make sure that when the hard times come, you keep standing on the solid ground God put you feet upon.

My pain taught me to be humble.  Humility was one of the best lessons I think I ever learned.  Through homelessness, jail, rehab, my addiction, and so many other things, I learned that being humble was something I didn’t experience much of growing up.  I had a little bit, but not much.  True humility comes when you can lay yourself down and have a heart for another human being and not judge them for what they are going through because you yourself have been there.  It is not judging the homeless man or women on the corner because they are holding a sign that says “will work for food” or asking for money.  It doesn’t matter what they do with the money that you give them either.  I have heard way to many people making the statement “well they can go get a job”.  If you have never walked a mile in their shoes then you have no right to judge or make that statement.  Humility is walking with the broken and loving them in their mess because you know you are broken too.  We are all broken just at different stages, in different ways.

My pain taught me that I was not alone and I was a survivor.  There were other people who had experienced the same thing as me.  I used to always think I was the only one in the world who had been hurt like I had.  Always the victim.  Turns out I was not alone.  Also turns out that while in many cases I in fact I was a victim of many things, I did not have to stay one.  I could be a survivor.  That is what I became.  I survived what many do not.  I also never have to go through things again because now I know that I don’t have to hold onto the pains of my past.  I use them to motivate me to teach others to survive.  To teach others a better way of life.

My pain taught me to reach out for God, hold on, and not let go.  I had my Jacob moment and I got my limp.  I hold dearly to the Father and love my relationship, not religion.  I would rather thrive and survive than die stuck holding onto pain that serves no purpose other than weeds in a garden choking out the beautiful flowers.  My pain taught me some of the most beautiful lessons in life.  I am thankful today for the pain I experienced.  It helped shaped me into who I am today.