ROOTED RENEGADE

As I sat tonight in the bathtub, soaking, holding a dark purple bath bomb called “Galaxy”, while it fizzed in my hand.  I was reminded of the few times I actually allow myself to just sit in a tub full of water.  Be still.  Soak.  Submerse.  Let my nostrils be full of the smells of various fragrances.  This being the second time in two years…

Some of us see self-care as a must.  A necessity to our daily, weekly, or monthly routines in an attempt to keep what sanity we do have.  Others fight to get any self-care we can.  Then there are those of us who view self-care quite differently, our lens jaded extremely, and many of us choose never to speak about the complexities.  I, however, have decided that speaking out gives courage for others to do the same.  Speaking out brings freedom.  Something that we each seek out to obtain in our own lives, yet few of us really reach a level of freedom we are happy with.  The level of freedom that allows us to throw our hands up during worship service because our praise to the Father is more important than who is watching.  

It was towards the end of 2015, just a couple of months left.  My life was volatile.  I was being trafficked by people I knew, and I didn’t understand at the time what that meant.  What I did know was that I couldn’t make it stop.  As much as I wanted to, nothing I said or did would make that happen, so I stopped trying.  At some point you just give up trying to change your circumstances because it is a losing battle.  That does not mean the fight inside of you changes.  The fight is there, it just gets suppressed for a little while.  You end of going with the flow of things because it is safer for you than anything else. 

One thing that was important during this time was looks.  Makeup, hair, nails, smell, clothing….these things were all extremely important.  You were expected to look your best in between the arranged clients no matter what.  People don’t think about this when they are in the business of rescue and restoration.  I had someone plucking my eyebrows, picking out my clothes, flat ironing my hair, and making sure I had on the right make up.  I would take baths in between these clients when I could (the reason I don’t take them now – showers are a girl’s best friend).  The trauma that is associated with the things most women take advantage of and they are often overlooked on a daily basis.  Because they are self-care practices (not to say they are wrong by any means).  

I can still remember taking baths with drugs on the toilet lid.  The only way one functions is staying high.  Listening to Little Wayne’s Man in the Mirror and thinking “One day I know I will not be living like this anymore; God is going to get me out of this”.  I would scrub my skin until it was raw sometimes…all in the name of self-care.  I think sometimes people forget that trauma happens in more places than just the bedroom.  It happens in the mind.  It happens in the places where we are alone with our thoughts begging for an out of the situation.  It affects every fiber of a person’s being and takes a long time to reverse.

As I sat there tonight, soaking, I was reminded of all the times I used to quickly bathe for the next person to come purchase me.  All the times I would have to do a line just to be able to make it through the next purchase and then deal with the people who were trafficking me.  Deal with the mental turmoil of what would go on in my head.  Deal with the aftermath of their chaos.  Deal with the ups and downs of the drugs and their affect.  Deal with life in general.  Just deal.  There are so many complexities to trauma.  There are so many complexities that many people are missing to a survivor’s needs beyond their rescue.  Some just need to know it’s okay to practice self-care now because no one is going to hurt them in the same way – but when the thoughts come, that’s okay too.  You are not alone.

It’s okay to freak out when you go to the nail salon and your mind is racing 100 miles an hour (like mine does)…you are not alone Beloved.  It’s okay – You are okay.

It’s okay to want to run when people offer to help you – not everyone wants something in return Loved One. It’s okay – You are okay.

It’s okay to want to scream and cry because your head is full of painful memories when you try and attempt the same self-care practices that you did before your rescue – Precious Daughter of Yahweh.  It’s okay – You are okay.

You see, I know no one tells you these things or teaches you these things.  I have had to learn many of them on my own too.  You are not alone.  Don’t feel bad when you need help.  Don’t feel bad when you feel like no one understands.  We are all trying to navigate life beyond our circumstances and what we have been through.  You are loved beyond measure by a Creator who sees you.  While it may be hard to understand and fathom the depth of His love, He is there with you during the difficult times and will guide you.

While it may be hard to practice self-care, practice it as much as you can.  Try it with a friend until you are able to try it alone.  Write about your experiences and share with someone who may be struggling.  Our experiences can be someone else’s teacher.  Each one reach one.  Remember you are a beautiful warrior who was created for such a time as this!  Rise!  Get that self-care on…one step at a time!