ROOTED RENEGADE

Sideline Parenting. For me this is a new term that the Holy Spirit and I have been tossing around over the last two weeks. It is something I have felt very deeply as I have been processing what it means to be a parent on the other side, on the side, sitting on the sidelines and not having the ability or opportunity to participate to the capacity that my heart is screaming “let me!”, “let me!”. It has been brutal at times having to sit back and watch while others get to do things that as a mother should be my place or obligation, yet I only get to participate from the sidelines as if I was at the 50 yard line on the football field watching the play on 1st and 3rd. There are so many emotions involved and at times they waiver back and forth.

For some reading this you may connect right away and for others, it may take a minute. That’s okay. My hope is that for those who need the encouragement, here is where you will find it. Ten years ago is when my children were court ordered to walk out the door for the last time and they never returned, next month to be exact. They were picked up two days early and there was nothing I could do about it. I still remember the day and how I felt about it. The emotions I felt were raw. While I have walked through forgiveness on many deep levels, the one thing I have asked the Lord was to remember pivotal moments in my life so that I could share God’s grace in them with other people. Also, so that one day I could explain to my children those moments too and help them process their own pain when they were ready. If you know how it feels to watch your children be forced to walk away then you know how I felt then and I know you may feel now. What I can speak into your experience is love and grace. There is love and grace for those moments that will heal even the deepest wounds of betrayal and regret. Let the Lord into those places sooner rather than later. You will be so grateful you did.

I didn’t know then what I know now. I internalize the betrayal, anger, grief, and hurt and I imploded. After all the domestic violence and narcissism I experienced I didn’t know I could heal because it was all about it being my fault for everything. I was to blame for everything that happened and for a very long time I believed it. I believed it was my fault for being hit. My fault for losing my kids. My fault I had bruises and emotional wounds. My fault for so many different things that happened that I internalized it all – I became the sole focus of the blame even for myself. This is what happens for most survivors who come out of situations like this and it is damaging. It keeps the cycle of abuse continuing for self and allows those who are the abusers to continue the same patterns by abuse through parenting.

Abuse through parenting after being victimized is how many of us experience sideline parenting. You may have a court order that states you have certain visitation rights and then you don’t get them. Mine was every other weekend and that was very short lived. In my case, my children’s dad didn’t have to completely comply with the court order and I didn’t get the opportunity to have the court order work for me. It essentially didn’t even matter for me that there was one. I was at the mercy of those who had the power. How it usually starts is that for the first couple of weeks or months while the courts ensure that their order is being followed, all parties comply. This helps the courts determine the right decision was made and then the GAL and CASA will essentially determine whether or not they need to stay on the case or back off and let the family be. In my case this is what happened. Turns out, all that glitters really isn’t gold. I know I am not the only one who can relate to this. You know that while your kids didn’t need to continue to see domestic violence at home, you as the family unit needed help. Not separation. Sometimes people just want your family separated in reality, they don’t really want to help you all out. They want your family apart because you won’t comply with their demands and I would not give up custody of my children when I was asked to do so, so I was faced with the courts and a court order after DFCS got involved and determined that I was a fit parent and I did everything they asked me too.

Having to learn to parent from the sidelines started back then. Being told I couldn’t go to my daughter’s first birthday party away from me and then having to see the pictures plastered all over Facebook. It wasn’t in the court order that I couldn’t be there. It was done to cause separation. It caused me to be on sideline of their life and be a bystander. It was an entry point to a wound and it was deep. Then more came. One after the other after the other. Left and then right. I can’t come the weekend I am supposed to, they planned something and forgot. So it would be weeks until my weekend. Then I would have to reschedule again because of my parents, because of course we would have to do supervised. I birthed my children, but now there are supervised visits. It was different for their dad and it remained that way. I didn’t realize then how deep and detrimental this was for me and my children. Our family was destroyed and I was literally watching it from the sidelines get ripped to shreds. I didn’t know how to pray then. I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was demonic and entrapping and entangling. I was so destitute and broken during this time period in my life that I felt my world had ended.

This type of abuse of parenting will take a toll on a mother who, after years of abuse, had felt like her reason for breathing was gone. It is not something you recover from overnight. Watching your children grow up on Facebook. Knowing you should be the one tucking them in at night, being at ballgames, taking them to school, reading the bedtime stories, and getting the hugs in the morning and at night. Having the very reason God made you woman being ripped away from you is destructive to the very nature of who you are as a woman. It is demeaning and unnatural. It took me years to realize that it was a demonic assault against mine and my children’s purpose. It has also taken me years to write about it from a place of forgiveness and healing so that I can share with a message. There is recovery in it. There is a place that you get to in your life that you do recover from even though it does take a lot of effort on your part. It does go against the grain of who you are as a mother and you do have to fight. But you have to fight the right way. Right way meaning, using the right weapons since our battle is not flesh and blood and the weapons of our warfare are not carnal (Ephesians 6:10-19 and 1 Corinthians 10:5).

I could tell countless stories about all the things that I experienced that went wrong since they walked out the door. I was no saint either. There were times I would cuss, scream, disappear because I entered into another DV situation and was getting high again to deal with the pain and abuse. Multiple suicide attempts and was arrested. Then I was trafficked and went to jail again. Then treatment for a while. All of this while the one deep desire was to turn back the clock and never have my children be ripped away from me by a judge who really didn’t know the whole truth. The truth that was only half told in court. That wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out though. You see God had a bigger plan than even I recognized at the time. While the enemy was fighting against me, God was fighting for me. Read that sentence again.

Sideline parenting is not for the faint of heart my dear friend. It takes tenacity, perseverance, grit and determination. It takes HOLY SPIRIT and a whole lot of grace. You cannot walk through it without forgiveness of self and other people. You may walk some of it out but you will do so bitter and angry until you forgive. Let me interject here to say the bitterness and anger I had for years ate away at my heart to where I wouldn’t let people in. I couldn’t talk about my life with joy nor could I talk about my children and our life. I found that I was consumed with bitterness and anger. It was terrible. I had to release all of that and work through it in trauma therapy because it was very traumatic. I had to release it all. No one wants to be miserable their whole lives. It’s not fair what happened. It does suck and let’s face it. We all want to take back some of the things we have done, but we can’t. We all fall short of the glory of God because we are all sinners. Even in my own mistakes I am a sinner in need of grace. I don’t get everything people do, I want to scream sometimes so I grab a pillow or do it in my car when no one is around. I still have to parent from the sidelines which I have learned to navigate by crying when I need to, screaming when I need too, and being honest in my feelings with my kids. They are older now so it helps. However, I allow the Holy Spirit to guide me in those conversations or the lack thereof, because not all of them are meant to be spoken. Sometimes they are only meant for you, the Holy Spirit, Jesus and God. That’s it. All too often we open and speak what we should keep quiet and process more first. It’s harder to take back words that are said than thoughts in our head. Aren’t you glad that people can’t know your thoughts – only God!

I know it’s hard at times. I wanted to do so much more than I was allowed to do. There were opportunities I just wasn’t given the permission to do as a mama. I watch other people enjoy their children in ways I wasn’t allowed too and I have learned to be grateful they get what I didn’t. Sometimes it still stings but that is when I take it to the Lord and know that He is my sustainer and He knows how my heart breaks at times. Honesty works better than trying to hide what bothers us. The Psalms are full of it. We must embrace our humanity and not try to hide it. If you had to become a sideline parent like me, my prayers are with you. You are still their mom or dad. That never changes. Find encouragement in knowing that God made no mistake in choosing you as their parent. Intercede for your children through prayer. God hears them and will honor your prayers on behalf of your children as they align with His will for their lives.

Take courage and rest knowing that even from the sidelines, great things happen! One day the position will change! Hold your position in the meantime and watch God work miracles as you hold onto Him!

Faythe