ROOTED RENEGADE

Women in general often times miss being wanted. Regardless of what they have been through in their lives, whether it is traumatic such as sexual exploitation, divorce, childhood trauma such as divorced parents or being adopted, there is always a sense of longing that lingers deep in their hearts. A deep sense of wanting to be needed by someone who loves them deeply.

Often times they look for love in places that keep them searching to the depths of hell only to find a fire that burns so out of control they can’t find a way to extinguish it thereby staying trapped in its flames. Escape may come from one bad situation only to provide a route to another one and another one until all hope is lost of ever finding a sense of belonging. Their sense of self-worth and self-respect have long since diminished in a total abyss leaving them feeling like they have no meaning left in their lives.

What if…what if there was another answer? What if that deep sense of wanting to be needed and wanting to wanted comes from another type of longing? Something deep within the soul that will never be satisfied by fleeting relationships, cycles of abuse, patterns of addiction, and love that hurts?

Well that deep sense of longing comes from what is missing that is not your “normal” relationship. It is because the void that is desperate to be filled, that screams something is missing…that void is the lack of relationship with Jesus. You see we all have a desire to be wanted and needed and so forth. But we get a void when we try to fill the places where Jesus belongs in our heart with other people, things, cycles, etc. It may be food, sweets, caffeine, sex, alcohol, drugs, relationships, etc. that we use to fill the void. A hole that seems so deep that we simply must fill it the only way we really know how…with stuff. Similar to someone overspending or buying things they just really don’t need. We fill the void that is meant for Jesus in our hearts and lives with things that will never satisfy. Like ever. Sure you may get high for a moment…but you will always chase that first high. Why? Because it wasn’t meant to last in the first place. You may love that chocolate cake you eat in the middle of the night…knowing you are the only one who will eat the entire thing given the chance. You may want that new pair of shoes that will only get lost in your closet with the hundred other pairs. You may want your next caffeine fix to get through the work day even though you start crashing after thirty minutes. You may even want to have sex with a “friend” or “coworker” because you think it will satisfy this need you have (to be validated, seen, heard, and loved).

Yet absolutely none of those will ever satisfy you. Like NEVER. No matter how hard you try to fill that void, you will always feel like it never gets full enough. As if you need more and more because the hole your past experiences has left you is so large..when in reality it is not as big as you think it is. It just “feels” that way and “feelings” have a way of tricking us into thinking we need something we don’t. I may feel like I need another Coke Zero, but in reality I didn’t need the first one. I may feel like I need more chocolate after the first twenty M&M’s, however I didn’t need the first twenty. Why? Because they are unhealthy for one and more importantly, I was responding to a “feeling” that instead of pausing to identify, I caved under the pressure of it. And you can replace my examples with anything that you do. The point is that we need to pause and do some self-reflection at times. It’s not a bad thing. Self-reflection helps you identify areas that need some improvements or changes. We all change and need change. Our bodies change (contrary to whether or not we like the changes or even want them). Our skin changes. Our hair changes….you get the point. So why do we think that we don’t need to take some time to see what other changes are needed in our lives?

Interestingly enough I had started writing this blog post back in 2018 when I was coming out of a long term program for trafficking survivors and trying to navigate my life changed. Starting my life over was hard at times. I had to relearn how to go to the grocery store, how to love people and allow them near me, how to let people get to know me instead of walling them off as soon as they approached me, and I had to learn how to love myself. This meant spending a lot of time self-reflecting. What caused the emotional responses? Why did I react the way I did to them? Why would I get so stressed like I would and then crash afterwards? Why did I want so bad for someone to love me and not see my past before they saw me? The questions could go on for days. I want you to see that we all go through the process of discovering who we are and why we think and feel the way we do. Some of us ignore it or fill those spaces with more junk. Others really sit with Jesus and process through all the stuff.

Let’s face it…stuff is hard. Jesus is not. The void you are feeling right now…identify it. Go back as far as you can and figure out how it got there. Then, ask Jesus to fill it. Ask Him what He wants to give you in replace of that void. You will be surprised at how simple it is and how complicated we make it.

As you sit with Jesus…keep a pen and notebook handy. Write down all the ways He gives you and write down what you want to give Him. It’s okay to be honest and transparent with Him. He already knows but wants to hear it from you. What do you need to give Jesus today? What are you struggling with that you don’t want to anymore? What voids in your heart have you been filling with other things?

Friend you are not alone. We all have them at some point in our lives. We all must decide to give them Jesus instead of staying trapped in cycles and patterns. My prayer for you is that you take some time to sit with Jesus and yourself to figure out where you need some adjustments. May God wrap you in His loving arms as you do and may the Holy Spirit comfort you. May you be free from those strongholds in the Name of Jesus.

Until next time…

Faythe