ROOTED RENEGADE

I thought it was time I wrote you a letter to tell you how I felt. Not because I had to but more because I felt I needed to. I needed to let you know exactly what you did to me and how you affected my life. I needed to let you know all the ways you destroyed my life, my spirit, my soul, and broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

You see when I was just a little girl, I was taught the value of love was something you showed in a very negative way. Something so horrendous. Something so disgusting. Something no little girl should ever be taught. I learned from that to model after the behavior of those around me and reach for you. Grab a hold of you for happiness and freedom. A release in you I would find at a young age by watching my parents partake of you argument after argument. Euphoria would come and relief they would experience and alas! I had discovered my happily ever after! Or so I thought.

At first I would sneak a sip of you just to see what you tasted like and you teased my taste buds again and again. Like a flame kisses the wood when it first ignites after the spark. The longer I danced with the temptation, the more I fell into your embrace. Like two lovers in a fresh romance, I fell head over heels for you and became crippled with desire. The desire became so deep seeded that it grew into a raging inferno. But you knew it would. You knew how out of control the first spark would grow which is why you teased me so hardcore. You knew I was broken inside and I was looking for a way to run from the pain. You knew no one meant to protect me was doing it, so you decided to step in be “wolf in sheep’s clothing” pretending to be the “knight in shining armor”.

I couldn’t see through the wool. I couldn’t see what you were doing to me. So I kept dancing with you. I allowed myself to feel the depths of your manipulation and ignore all the warning signs. I went from sneaking my parents sweet wine and liquor to much harder versions you had to offer me. Deeper in love I feel with you. Deeper out of control I spiraled. You shut off my pain in ways I could never imagine. From your white lines, your green grass, to your multi-colored candies, I spent years going back and forth in and out of your blurred fantasies.

I learned to lose myself beyond what I had lost as a child being abused physically, sexually, and mentally. I learned to give myself up for whatever I could. I learned to allow myself to be abused by whoever just to have a false sense of love and acceptance because after all didn’t you teach me that. You altered my sense of reality just enough to keep me from feeling true emotions and real thoughts. I learned to carry shame and guilt like battle scars from war. I learned to stay in a victim mentality because I was unteachable and unreachable.

You kept me so out of my head that I could not even be reached by counselors, medications, family, my own children. The times I tried to escape one of you, you brought another into my life because your grip on my mind was so severe I could not escape you. You tortured me. You destroyed my mind for so long I didn’t know how I would ever live without you. I didn’t know if I ever could. The more I tried on my own the worse you made it for me. You distorted my vision, my thinking, my body. I would have rather suffered more abuse than what you did to me when I tried letting you go.

Then one day it happened. After 20 plus years of dealing with your horrendous torture, God saved me. I was finally able to be in a place where you could not longer reach me. Where you could no longer find me and hurt me anymore. Being behind bars, you couldn’t tempt me to come out and play anymore. I found freedom from you that I had never found before and I have to say that I am so thankful that I never have to see you again! I am so thankful I never have to love you again!

Your hold on me cost me my kids, my home, my sanity, my self worth and self respect. It cost me years of my life and things I will never be able to get back. I lost years watching my kids grow up and being there for football and softball games. Awards ceremonies, school events, firsts, hurts, celebrations, etc. Times I will never be able to regain. Jobs, cars, houses, and some things that may be materialistic but still had meaning. I lost all but my physical life with you…and I did almost lose that.

You did however teach me some valuable lessons…

Because of you I finally found how to fight hand over fist to be the woman I am today.  I discovered after the he’ll I went through with you that I am capable of change.   Despite all the mistakes I made by being addicted to all of your evil devices and schemes, there is still good in me.  There is still beauty inside me that you didn’t want me to see.  You kept my true self hidden from me for so long that I thought I had lost her forever.  I thought I had lost the women God had so beautifully created when He knit me in my mother’s womb so many years ago.

I found I no longer had to live in a destructive pattern but could use my experience with you to help others find their way out of your deathly grip.  I fought hard to let you go.  Fought every day for a long time to change my mind so I could stop wanting your numbing sensations that kept the memories of my past from stealing my joy, my happiness,  and my freedom.  What you need to know is that I found freedom in such a beautiful way that no true words will ever be able to give it justice.  I found a freedom so beautiful apart from you that I will never return.

I got my heart back by giving it to Christ.  I got my life back by giving it to the only savior there is and ever was…Jesus Christ.   I found freedom in the surrender of giving you up and loving another.  You should know that after almost 3 years of recovery no matter what you try to come at me with,  MY GOD will stand in the gap and fight for me like you never did!

I am done with you, have been, and always will be!  Go back to hell where you came from!  I will always be in recovery and I will always be A CHILD OF THE ONE TRUE KING!

Goodbye Addiction!

@B3autifullyR3deemed2018